The Degenerate Digest v.136

Well well well. A week filled with texts, calls, emails, faxes, and carrier pigeons. All with the same message. “My bookie is thinking about blacklisting me, no one goes 6-0 in Week 0”. Have no fear, dear degenerates, there are plenty of bookies to rob.

No need to be cocky, we’re just getting started. And we’re getting started with a target on our backs. Seen any helicopters this week? 

Week 0 wet the beak. A Big 12 clash in Ireland that was quite literally played on a field, an FCS team showing up, Jalon Daniels staying healthy for an entire game, and a game winning FG from a Japanese kicker who learned how to play football on YouTube. College football is just the best. 

Today’s slate is certainly decent. Big games at all hours. No real let down spot from a viewing perspective. I have had this booked on the calendar for weeks. Time to fire up the quad box, drink 18-24 Millar Lités, and have ourselves a day. WEEK ONE! 

(1) Texas @ (3) Ohio State: Alt Line Parlay, Ohio State +7.5 - Under 54.5

I’m a sick fuck ripping an alt line parlay on what could be the biggest game of the regular season. But getting this at -119 at the time of publishing seems too good to pass up. This is a dart board game. The line has basically moved to a pick’em, so even Vegas doesn’t know what will happen. Will Archie Manning be able to take the stand right from the jump with a new receiving core and basically an entirely new offensive line? Will Ohio State's talent out wide, and now at tight end in Max Klare, be able to shine in August with Julian Sayin under center? With so many questions offensively for both these teams, I think it’s clear the true stars of the day will be on the defensive side of the ball. Couple that with the opening home atmosphere of a defending national championship fan base at The Shoe? Yeah, I’m pretty comfortable with this bet.

Final Score: Ohio State 27, Texas 24

Toledo @ Kentucky: Toledo 1H +6.5, Toledo +10

These lines are stinky poo poo. Kentucky, with all its offseason confidence, is only a 10 point favorite to the MAC in a home opener? That does not scream confidence to me! Not to mention it opened at 10.5 and with 67% of the bets and 66% of the money on the Wildcats, it came down. Hit that cha-cha slide reverse-reverse, cause we’re doubling down. 

Final Score: Kentucky 24, Toledo 21

(8) Alabama @ Florida State: 1H U24.5

A lot new here, for both sides. And a lot to prove here, for both sides. For both sides, I think it’s going to take some time. Even outside of today. Thankfully, both of these sides basically don’t play another game for a month (Alabama v Georgia, Sept. 27 & FSU v Miami Oct. 4). Until their upcoming cupcake matches, I think today is a ‘find what works’ game. But what happens when you need to find what works? Shit don’t work. Both Kalen DeBoer and Mike Norvell will be in the locker room at the half drawing up plays like Coach Kline. 

Final Score: Alabama 28, Florida State 17

(9) LSU @ (4) Clemson: LSU +4.5, O57.5

Sometimes I wish I was never introduced to reverse line movement betting. It’s like looking at the new Arizona Cardinals jerseys and realizing they just look like a tortilla. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. 

Regardless of there being 56% of the bets and 65% of the money on LSU, with the line moving up from 4 to 4.5, I’m standing on the side of too many people are blowing Clemson this offseason. Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re going to have a great year. They are my favorite to win the ACC, and I believe they will have a deep playoff run. But the slobbering is kind of silly. So what? They brought back a lot of dudes? Okay - those dudes lost to Louisville and South Carolina, and barely squeaked by SMU. Can another year under their belt lead to improvement? Of course. But to say bringing people back, in the transfer portal era, immediately puts them in the driver's seat? Kind of off base in my opinion. 

Anyways, I’m sure Brian Kelly will let me down yet another Week One. 

Final Score: Clemson 37, LSU 34

Utah @ UCLA: Utah -5.5

Nico Iamaleava is only as good as his name. Iamaleava Tennessee? No, no buddy. You don’t leave the Volunteers. That is the worst juju you could ever have. Imagine volunteering, and then being like ‘Iamaleava’? Coward. Fuck Nico.

Note from the Editor: This is a pick driven by emotion instead of statistical analysis, please ride responsibly. 

Final Score: Utah 100, UCLA 1

Yeah, fuck it, let’s hit a #PremiumMemberTickleTeaser. It is Week One, after all. 

If you’re a new degenerate this season and you’ve made it this far into the blog, first and foremost - congrats ya nincompoop. Along with my Saturday card, I will also sometimes provide a private teaser only available to the tried and true degenerates. It can be made available by text request or DM on twitter @joeydigest. And with that, the DM’s are officially open. 

Running Record: (316-265-7)