The Degenerate Digest v.163
Some people would blame a 4-9 record the last two weeks on bandwidth. Q4, KPI’s, executive decision making, budgets, etc. Some would blame it on their sick kid, who for the record, mine has brought the flu, stomach bug, and hand foot & mouth home all since the start of the season.
Some people are cowards like that. I’m not one of them.
I blame the 4-9 record solely on the fact that I, too, can lose. There are a lot of winners out there that you think are winners only because they promote one thing. Winning. Little do you know, they are utter and total losers. I am convinced that every person that portrays themselves as a winner, even past gambling, are the biggest losers of them all.
That’s a little deep for the Digest, but I implore you - dear degenerate, to think about it.
Now stop thinking about it, and let’s be fucking winners.
Pitt @ (1) Miami: Miami -19.5
Miami had quite the scare last week.
I didn’t even talk about last week in my intro. There was a whole thing with the intro I just didn’t get around to, you know, the best college football weekend in our lifetime when every possible upset that could have happened, happened! And some people refuse to accept this sport as the truest gospel of sport. Heathens.
Miami had quite the scare last week. The only scare we saw coming!
They can’t get scared this week. Miami has to be playing this week like they were going to look for toilet paper should another pandemic break free. They spent all week stocking up. Shits for days. They’re guzzling Hurricane 40oz. of high gravity malt liquor, and the Charmin Ultra Bear cartoon is nestling under center to take whatever snaps come it’s way.
Final Score: Miami 42, Pitt 17
Oregon @ Illinois: Over 49.5
Bright green and orange. Look at these uniforms and tell me they say anything less than 50 total points? You can’t. Defenses are not built in these colors. Call me prejudice all you want, you know I’m right.
Final Score: Oregon 34, Illinois 24
(2) BYU @ UCF: UCF +8.5
I don’t know man, college football is fucking weird. I love it so much exactly for that reason. On the road, in the Bounce house, after an emotional win in Provo against the Irish, a severe drop in elevation and an increase in temperature… don’t be surprised if UCF wins this game outright.
Final Score: BYU 28, UCF 20
Iowa State @ (25) Arizona: Arizona -10
Noah Fifita and the Wildcats enter into the AP Top 25 a scary, scary team to deal with in the desert. Worse for their opponents, they are not settled with the idea of being the last placed ranked team in the country.
Zoinks! A ranked favorite at home! Scary. Spooky.
Final Score: Arizona 32, Iowa State 17
(14) Houston @ (10) Utah: Utah -6.5
FIRST TIME EVER, JOEY DIGEST LIVE LINE ALERT. THE J-DLLA BRUTHA. OH YOU HAVE NOT HEARD OF THE J-DLLA? YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME EVER, FOR THE J-DLLA.
If BYU gets upset by UCF earlier in the day, the matchup potential for the Holy War in a few weeks really gets deflated. Not like a balloon, but like the first dose of Ozempic in a fat person. You’re still fat even though you got popped by a needle. You just need some more time to deflate.
In the current world of college football, let down spots hold the most value gambling wise. BYU just gave it their all to still almost lose on the last play of the game to Notre Dame at home with a strong willed ref crew and clock management staff. The only thing stronger than let down spots, are media narratives. With the holy war coming up, Utah has to be in tip top shape should BYU come away with a win in the Bounce House. And so, for this reason, if BYU loses earlier in the slate - we are not taking Utah -6.5. But Joey Digest, I want to get my picks in for the day and be done with it. You’re not tailing my picks right now anyway, and if you were, you don’t have enough money left until the 30th when it’s payday again. With that said, I fully expect to be able to make this pick.
Final Score: Utah 34, Houston 27
I know it’s been a few weeks, but I had to save the #PremiumMemberTickleTeaser for a lighter slate. We have that today. DMs are open.
PS, I have a few Patriot League plays as well, also accessible in the DMs. Because they are open.
Running Record: (398-340-7)
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