The Degenerate Digest v.154

I just wrapped up dropping the kids off at the pool when it dawned on me that people who use the term ‘no wipe’ are just totally fraudulent. Let’s take this most recent brew-ha as an example. I finished up, took a swipe at the ol’ leather cheerio, and was amazed to find a totally clean sheet - shades of Petr Čech circa 2004/2005. I immediately considered sending a snapchat to my friend group with the hashtag #nowipe, but then it hit me. I had in fact wiped. Do people just use this term without realizing the only way to tell if you don’t need a wipe, is to in fact wipe? Or is this a saying that has just been taken out of context from its origination, when someone didn’t have anything to wipe with entirely and therefore resorted to a #nowipe? These are the mysteries of life that keep me up at night… 

How will I tie this cold open to the National Championship game taking place in t-minus 5 hours from writing? I guess I don’t really have to at the end of the day. This is my rag, I make the rules. Yet, as a man of class, I do feel a sense of responsibility to the literary community to provide a proper transition.

Tonight’s game reminds me of the #nowipe. I have spent the last two weeks looking for shit to wipe me off the scent of another commanding Indiana Hoosier performance, but there’s nothing. I took a look at every pl(a)y I could find, and still nothing appeared. 

Let’s break this down by narrative, by matchup, and by Vegas.

Narrative, Indiana:

• Indiana can win their first ever CFB National Title

• Indiana can be the first ever CFB team to go 16-0 (more games are played, but still relevant)

• Curt Cignetti can go down in the history books, turning the historically worst program in the country into a National Title winner in 2 years

• Fernando Mendoza can enter into the elite class of Heisman winner and National Title winner. He can also do this in his hometown, mother with MS by his side, brother on the sideline, against a program that looked at him and walked away

Narrative, Miami:

• Mario Cristobal can bring Miami back to the glory days of the mid-late 90’s, early 2000’s. 

  • I would argue he is already there just making it to the final, but I guess some folks would say otherwise

• Home game for Miami, but only location wise - crowd will be close to even split is my guess

• Michael Irving can continue to do copious amounts of uppers

• Carson Beck can continue to look like a fish

Narrative, Final: Indiana 28, Miami 10

Matchup, Indiana: 

• Curt Cignetti is the better coach

• Fernando Mendoza is the better QB

• The offense seems to have more explosiveness, or at minimum, consistency

• The defensive secondary is better

• The team as a whole is very disciplined, makes minimal mistakes

• Team seems to be playing for each other, as opposed to playing for a trophy or a contract, or whatever

Matchup, Miami:

• Has the potential to be more dominant in the trenches

• Has a wildcard in Malachi Toney that can easily break loose at any time, multiple times

• Cason Beck, all jokes aside, is used to these kinds of pressure situations and has handled them quite clean 

• Team seems to be playing for the program, but I’m not so convinced they are playing quite as cohesively - especially offensively 

Matchup, Final: Indiana 27, Miami 17

Vegas:

Line Open: Indiana -7.5

Bets: 68% Indiana

Money: 71% Indiana

Current Line: Depending on book, -7.5 to -8.5 Indiana

Vegas, Final: Indiana 24, Miami 17

Crumpled, much more questionable on the #nowipe...

(10) Miami v (1) Indiana: Indiana -7.5, Under 47

The only way Miami is going to hang around in this one is to throw Mendoza off his game. The pressure was almost non-existent against Ole Miss, but I think the two week rest will do those big boys some good to get their legs back. Miami’s offense has struggled, and will continue to do so, although it might succeed in controlling the clock at times. This one will be a slow burn, but the Hoosiers will complete what is likely a Top 10 - perhaps Top 5, sports stories of all time. Let’s average out the scores from our model above (rounding included)... 

Final Score: Indiana 27, Miami 17

PS: Record prior to tonight’s matchup is 67-48 on the year. As close to 60% you can get. Not too shabby. Would be sick to get to 69-48 (nice). Cheers, degenerates!

Running Record: (377-313-7)